Friends parody Twilight
by Sun N Air
Summary: Carlisle wears a dress and does a YMCA, Edward dressed as a gay Indian, Rosalie is blonde, Emmett invites Hitler over, and a sandwich being attacked…yep, that's what u get when friends highjack your fanfic!
1. Chapter 1

**Carlisle POV**

"Carly boy, you have to try this gown on so i can check the measurements." Alice whined from my study door. I flicked my wrist camply, "you are SO last year Alice!" Carlisle, mourned by his wife and Punam alike, was camper than a row of pink tents. He also talked about himself in the 'third person' so he 'came across' as an annoying 'pompous' ass.

It was Bella's 18th birthday party today, and believe me, the word 'party' was over exaggerated in Alice's point of view. This morning, she 'woke' the whole family up really early to do 50 laps of the house in jump suites. Turning the house into a literal 'prison' – not a lighthouse otherwise they'd have to pick it up and move it next to the sea and actually use it to direct ships. And he has used quotation marks six times now.Obviously Esme was excited about the prospect of adorning every inch of our home with shrunken heads, and combined with Alice's hyperactivity and Esme's genuine excitement and blood lust, Jasper was also picking up the festive execution spirit as well. Rosalie, being a sassy bitch, went to hunt and Emmett being loyal accompanied her. Only I and Edward didn't help with the decorations because Edward and I had _plans _that made me happy almost_ G-A-Y_, but Alice, ushered us to school (me being the local paedophile) , when I stole a glance at mike newton she dragged me home by my pigtails. I escaped to my study by telling Alice that I had to practice my YMCA routine for tonight, plus wrap up Bella's present (an amazing pizza sandwich I made myself). I was surprised (understatement) that Alice let me off because she could probably See me not doing anything remotely straight. Before I left, I gave her a grateful burst of George Michael chorus.

I entered my dance studio and thought about how much great music the Towns People created. Plus the opportunity the song gave me to see Edward dress as a gay Indian was priceless. Bella has bought so many annoying, clumsy trips and falls to our eternal existences. She had also had an annoying habit of sleep talking about a load of human shit. I finished my warm up and settled down with a copy of _Celeb! Weekly_ while the others changed. (They obviously didn't understand the comfort value a pink leotard provided)

And now, 1 hour later, Alice was whining at my study's doorframe.

"Alice, you can probably See me wearing the gown you've chosen at Bella's birthday party" I said, raising my eyebrow in question, even though I hadn't asked one, so that line makes no sense. (all corrections including the lighthouse thing by Prof. Christina McAwesome, to punam OWNED loved C x) "You know I want to try it on. It looks FIERCE!, kinky and...could you take it up a bit – it looks to ... matronly."

"Oh fine!" she said, grinning. "But you have to help us now with the shrivelled heads instead. . . And tell Rosalie to stop eating them. They don't even have blood anymore. _Blondes_."

The rest of the day was spent decorating the house by me, Esme, and Jasper. Alice, on the other hand, was preparing a rather extravagant birthday cake even though most of the guests, meaning us, wouldn't eat it. Well, Emmett was accepting Jasper's dare to 'enjoy' the cake with Bella.

Then Edward and Bella arrived in his ice cream van. Neither commented on my beautiful attire and I could see how it hurt Alice in her soul. The bit with the dresses... the gift shop was also slightly hurt.

"_Darlings, hel – lo" _I chirped, i stopped mid cheek kiss as I was distracted by my -what happens on the weekend stays in the week end- adoptive son Edward.

Instantly, I concluded my observations before Edward could read my mind. Seriously, he is my adoptive son, he was going to be married and I was—checking him out! I should date Emmett instead. He is so strong and Rosalie would just have to share, she could be sooo selfish at times.

A couple of seconds later, it was Alice who spoke up first.

"Oh my God! The guest of honour! Hitler, come in. Dankashun for coming."

"heil hitler" roared Emmett modelling his swashtiska emblazoned jacket

Bella looked more uncomfortable than usual. (She always looked like she was about to trip over. Which she usually did.) "Ummm... Isn't being a Nazi wrong? Especially at my party." She whined, her voice grating at my ears like a badly maintained chainsaw.

"Shut up " snapped Emmett

"man whore" she replied, "We know what's going on with Carlisle!"

"SHIT!" said Edward alarmed, everybody turned to him,

" – Emmett..yes, he is sooo with carly b – Carlisle" corrected Alice.

"Well this is annoying" moaned Esme and she slapped Bella's pizza sandwich. Then something too terrible, too earth-shattering, too atrocious, too- I've lost my left sock- horrible to describe happened...which is exactly why we're going to tell you. (DOWN WITH AGE RATINGS!)

**Im going to kill you Naomi! –love ya emma :P – you love Carlisle in a tutu and ya know it biatch**


	2. Chapter 2

**Bella POV**

A single crimson drop fell on the floor. "NOT THE KETCHUP" yelled jasper

Everybody's eyes were on him. Jasper held his breath and closed his eyes.

Edward turned around and stared at the single drop of tomato sauce that was escaping from my sandwich.

Just as everything was going in slow motion, I tilted my head upwards to meet Edward's now onyx eyes. And then all hell broke loose.

He grabbed my sandwich and brought it up to his exposed teeth. I closed my eyes and thought _at least part of my sandwich will always stay in the one I love and always will—_the thought, despite the consequences, made me smile and tomato relish the moment. You see, my sandwich was going to be eaten by my soul mate Edward who just happened to be a rabid vampire. He was the best thing that had happened to me since I moved to this depressing and rainy town of Forks to live with Charlie (my stalker).

I was still waiting for his sharp _beautiful _teeth to cut through my bun and slowly take my soul and sandwich when I heard a loud crash and a lot of glass break. After that I realised my sandwich was freed from the fingers of the hand that belonged to... _Edward. _Just at the thought of his name had my eyes open and survey the scene in front of me. Alice, Rosalie, and Jasper were standing in the far secluded island, no expression gracing their beautiful but serious features. Their gaze was locked over my shoulder. I slowly turned around. There, I found a completely different scenario—Edward was in midst of the doorframe surrounded by broken glass, but that was not that caught my attention. Carlisle, now definitely out of his calm and contained composure, was crouched in a hunting position; his teeth were exposed to my succulent, mouth watering, irresistible pizza sandwich with it's aromatic mature cheddar melted to perfection and scarlet, 100% tomato sauce, dripping onto the ivory floor, as it hit the floor, it's perfect beauty was ruined forever as the dirt and crumbs from weeks of shoe treads, both human and inhuman soiled it's perfect luminous beauty like a ruby cast back into the mines, and he was held back by a very grim looking Emmett, who was trying to resist the gravity defying pull of the sandwich. Esme was trying to soothe the sandwich by licking off the crumbs and rubbing her hand gently along the length of the crispy, toasted, bread. They looked so perfect together. It was almost painful to see the love between them, just as I have experienced with my past indulgences...

Thinking of it consumed me with so much grief and guilt that I crashed down on the floor and cried. This was my fault; my clumsiness caused my boyfriend, the love of my life, to attack my sandwich. Now he would leave me and blame himself for my lack of food and my obsession for sandwiches. I didn't notice the cold arms snaking around my shoulders and rocking me back and forth because darkness began to consume me and I gladly welcomed it. I could not, would not, live without that sandwich.


End file.
